Atlantic Canadians finally learn the secret ingredient in Chris Brothers pepperoni: Chris’s Brother

HALIFAX – The Atlantic provinces are abuzz at the news that the region’s favourite deli, Chris Brothers, has finally revealed the secret to its famed pepperoni: Chris’s brother.

Speaking from the Bronté Foods plant in Dieppe, spokeswoman Andrea Talley put the report in context. “You’ll often hear Atlantic Canadians speak of the importance of family. When new Canadians Chris Kielbratowski and his brother Max opened their first deli in 1953, the siblings agreed to celebrate their new home’s values in the most literal way possible. As such, it was agreed that their venture would be named after the former, and the latter would make an even more important contribution”.

“I KNEW it!” exclaimed Molly Drapeau of Fredericton. “Have you ever eaten this stuff? It’s impossible to be satisfied with just one tiny chunk on a toothpick. I always figured there had to be some kind of depravity going on to make something that addictive. Honestly, it’s actually kind of tame, I figured there had to be some kind of Apocalypto-pyramid-scene type of sacrifice going on to make something that good”.

The iconic smoked meat is a staple of the diet of many on the East Coast, particularly in Nova Scotia, where it is almost ubiquitous. One may find it be featured in deep-fried form on every pub menu, thinly sliced at any local house party, or gripped tightly in one hand of a university student while hastily typing out an essay before the 12AM deadline.

Emmanuel Chun of Antigonish went into further detail as to how the local favourite essentially hints at its cannibalistic origins with every bite. “When you chow down on a stick of Brothers, first your teeth are briefly impeded by the surrounding skin, almost teasing you, saying ‘Are absolutely sure you want to do this? You might not like what’s inside’.” After pausing to wipe away saliva that had begun to roll down his chin, Chun continued, “But then you break through, and realize that you just don’t care.”

For its part, the Nova Scotian Government appears to be embracing the story as an opportunity to celebrate the province’s grand tradition of consuming human flesh, announcing a new slogan “You’ve tried pepperoni from a pig, now try it from longpig”.

Halifax Mayor Mike Savage greeted the revelation with thoughtful reflection. “It’s almost redundant to think there are bits of human in there. You’re talking about a province of a million people that are essentially raised on Brothers pep. Every Nova Scotian’s blood is at least 14% honey mustard sauce. Throw in the donairs and we’re lucky if we make it past our fiftieth birthdays. It’s actually kind of comforting to think that our clogged arteries might be used to feed the next generation”.

In a related story, McCain Foods announced plans for a documentary promising an answer to the question “Whatever happened to Jay the Superfries Kid?”

Beaverton

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