TORONTO – Feeling a bit lonely and without community local man Marcus Bailey has decided to go for a walk while looking absolutely terrible to guarantee he runs into several friends and acquaintances for a chat.
“Everyone knows the second you leave the house looking like garbage is the moment the universe puts your ex-boyfriend, professional rival and/or unrequited crush directly into your path,” said Bailey as he put on dirty sweatpants, a mustard stained t-shirt and applied butter to his hair to get it looking as greasy as possible.
“This seemed less embarrassing than texting people asking to hang out.”
In order to guarantee the people he knew would be significant people in his life as opposed to just ‘guys from that thing’ Bailey also elected to carry a see-through grocery bag with a ton of embarrassing items like diarrhea medication, extra small condoms and a copy of Jordan Peterson’s newest book.
“Will most of the conversation be awkward ‘how are you’ type questions as we all ignore the fact that I look and smell like shit? Yes. But will that stop me from going in for a hug when we say goodbye? It will not,” added Bailey.
At press time Bailey had exclusively run into his parent’s friends
Jesus Christ is King
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