SAN FRANCISCO, CA — The crime surge in the Bay Area continues to lead to mass migration out of California, as skyrocketing crime rates have led the entire city of San Francisco to announce it is relocating to Texas.
“It’s just not realistic to stay here,” said the city itself as it broke the news. “I’m scared to walk down my own streets these days. Did you hear they’re not even arresting or prosecuting people thieves anymore? I mean, come on, how ridiculous is that? I’m getting out of here and moving to Texas with the rest of the sane people.”
Though multiple corporate entities and businesses have chosen to leave the city, no one expected the city itself to uproot and move to a safer state. Experts labeled the move unprecedented. “We’ve all seen the rising crime rates, but we never thought an entire city would move out of safety concerns,” said sociologist Dr. Jim Jennings. “The city has expressed a desire to live in a more conservative state after suffering under communist rule for decades. It remains to be seen if other West Coast metropolises follow suit and relocate.”
The announcement came as a surprise, leaving the city’s residents at a crossroads. “How does that even work, exactly?” asked lifelong San Franciscan Paul Davidson. “If we stay, are we left to live in like a giant crater where the city used to be, or what?”
At publishing time, state officials in Texas were willing to discuss accepting San Francisco as a new city with the condition that it stop being super gay.
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