CHICAGO—In a major breakthrough for reproductive health, scientists at the University of Chicago announced Monday that they have developed an even more painful form of female contraception. “This highly advanced female contraceptive method is capable of providing patients with 500% more agony than any other product on the market,” said project head Dr. Joshua Bakshi, who explained that the spike-covered device would shred its way through the cervix, causing immeasurable pain, and then stab the uterus multiple times for insertion. “This new birth control device will also provide patients with special hormones to cause excruciating cramps, temporary loss of consciousness, and internal bleeding. For years, scientists have been trying to raise the level of discomfort that patients experience with contraception, and by heating this thing up to a searing 375 degrees Fahrenheit, we should be able to provide them with an amount of trauma and misery never seen before in this industry.” Bakshi added that the new contraceptive method was also only 40% effective in preventing pregnancy.
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