Coast Guard Sends Another Submersible Full Of Billionaires After The First One

BOSTON, MA—Ramping up search and rescue efforts to locate the missing OceanGate tourist vessel, the U.S. Coast Guard told reporters Tuesday they sent out another submersible full of billionaires after the first one. “We’ve enlisted another team of wealthy explorers to take part in a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to travel the depths of the ocean looking for their fellow billionaires,” said Rear Admiral Philip Ballard, a commander of the U.S. Coast Guard, adding that these rich tourists, familiar with how the lost billionaires think, were the best chance for finding the Titan. “These six new affluent explorers jumped at the chance to get into a smaller submersible equipped with even less oxygen to do what no one else has done: rescue other rich people who spent exorbitant amounts of money to participate in dangerous escapades for kicks. The second submersible will also feature no toilet and a more basic controller that can only make the vessel move left and right as incentive for the wealthy, thrill-seeking travelers.” At press time, the U.S. Coast Guard was reportedly regretting not collecting the $250,000 fees from the billionaires on the search mission after losing contact with their submersible.