Feds Wistfully Gaze At Photo Of Hunter Biden’s Penis One Last Time Before Closing Investigation

WASHINGTON—Eyes welling up with tears as their time together came to an end, federal agents reportedly gazed at a photo of Hunter Biden’s penis one last time Tuesday before officially closing the pertinent investigation. “I suppose that’s the end of things between you and me, old friend,” said Justice Department investigator William Jordan, tracing his finger along the gentle curve of the genitals on his screen after receiving word the president’s second son had accepted a plea deal over the illegal 2018 purchase of a handgun, thus rendering the series of images of the 53-year-old’s penis no longer relevant to his work. “It’s the end of an era, really. When I close my eyes, I can still see the pattern of your veins. You reminded me of why I got into this line of work, and for that, I remain forever grateful. Though, I must admit, it was hard to stay impartial when I was looking at you. Take care of yourself, sweet hog. Goodbye.” At press time, the DOJ had ordered the immediate arrest of Jared Kushner to see if they could find out what he had going on down there.