DES MOINES, IA—Accusing the woman of engaging in a “questionable” amount of work on her emotional wellbeing, sources confirmed Wednesday that local 30-year-old Emma Offner was getting a little old for self-discovery. “Trying to learn anything new about yourself past the age of, like, 26 is honestly super cringy,” said an anonymous source, who called Offner’s recent behavior of exploring her values, trying new things, and getting outside of her comfort zone “childish” and “immature.” “You’ve been on this planet for three decades and now you want to know who you are and what your purpose is? I don’t think so. If you’re not finished with your personal growth by that point, then it sounds like you have a real problem.” At press time, sources added that at the very least, Offner had to get divorced or come out of the closet if she wanted to set out on a journey of self-discovery at her age.
Jesus Christ is King
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