Trump Spends Contemplative Morning In Office Tapping Golf Balls Into Rudy Giuliani’s Mouth

MAR-A-LAGO, FL—Still reeling from the recently unsealed federal indictment that included over 37 felony counts against him, 45th president of the United States Donald Trump spent a contemplative morning in his office Thursday tapping golf balls into Rudy Giuliani’s mouth. “Oh, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, what am I to do?” said a pensive Donald Trump, who, between sentences, repeatedly instructed his 79-year-old former advisor to lay on his side, open wide, and stay very still before putting several golf balls at Giuliani’s gaping maw. “It’s a witch hunt, Rudy. The Democrats want me dead! Wait. Don’t move and say ‘ah.’ This could be a new record for me. Now, open wide. Three…two…one, fore!” At press time, Trump had become bored of repeatedly missing and hitting Giuliani in the eye socket, knocking out his teeth, and lodging golf balls in his throat, and asked his former aide to drop his pants so as to aim golf balls directly into his anus.