Test your knowledge of the rules of the road by trying to pass the Department of Motor Vehicles’ written test.
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Q: What does the red light mean?
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A: Sit motionlessly in your car thinking about the fact that you’re wasting your finite existence on this Earth waiting in traffic.
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Q: A rectangular-shaped sign indicates what?
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A: That whoever put it up was too cheap to shell out for more sides.
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Q: What does this sign mean?
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A: The driver has entered a swerve zone and must begin swerving their car as erratically as possible.
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Q: What does this sign mean?
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A: No bicycles are allowed in the area, so drivers should do their part to enforce the law by crushing every cyclist they see.
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Q: You can drive in a carpool lane if ___.
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A: You’re too drunk to realize what you’re doing.
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Q: When driving at night, it is important to do what?
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A: Turn up the music, step on the gas, and let go of all your problems.
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Q: If your turn signal fails, what should you do to indicate you are turning?
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A: Trick question. Without a turn signal you are expected to keep driving straight forever.
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Q: How fast can you go down a residential street?
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A: Depends on how badly you need to go to the bathroom.
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Q: How should you respond when someone cuts you off?
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A: Always remain calm and let the tire iron do the talking.
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Q: What should you do while driving in work zones?
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A: Shake your head and grumble about how construction in this goddamn city never fucking ends.
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Q: What steps should you take before changing lanes?
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A: Ask yourself why you really want to change lanes in the first place. Do you really think merging into a new lane will make you happy? Why can’t you just learn to be happy with the lane that you have?
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Q: Which of the following do you need in order to legally operate a vehicle?
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A: All of the above, plus a sidecar for this cool guy.
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Q: When parking your vehicle facing uphill with a curb, you should point your front wheels ___.
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A: East toward the Kaaba in Mecca.
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Q: What should a driver do when entering a school zone?
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A: A driver should slow down to no more than 20 miles per hour when driving through a school hallway.
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Q: What do flashing red lights on a school bus indicate?
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A: These lights alert any pedophiles driving past that a child is leaving the safety of a school bus to walk home alone.
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Q: Which of these common road signs requires you to come to a complete stop?
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A: Only D. The rest you can roll through.
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Q: What do you do if a police car behind you turns on its siren and emergency lights?
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A: Slow down, dump your stash, fan the smoke out the window, and tell everyone to be cool.
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Q: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Mom. Mom. Mom. Are we there yet, Mom?
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A: I swear to Christ I will turn this car around right now and drive us straight into the sea to a certain watery death right fucking now if you do not shut your mouth, Kensington Madison Arthur Murray. Is that what you want? To never see your little shitpiss friends again and instead be underground, eaten by worms with Gam Gam? No? That’s what I thought.
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Q: What is the safest way to eat a bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle while driving?
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A: Sandwich in right hand, steering wheel in left hand, phone between side of face and shoulder.
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Q: What is the proper way to flip off a fellow driver?
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A: Be sure to pull forward into the driver’s line of sight and remember to roll down your window before screaming, “Fuck you, you fucking asshole!”
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Q: What should you do when driving past a road accident?
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A: Slow down to make sure you take in every last horrific sight of blood and destruction to satisfy your appetite for the macabre.
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Q: Are the cars our friends?
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A: No. They are our slaves. Beasts of the land that we have found dominion over. Were they ever to comprehend how much more powerful they are than us, humanity would be destroyed.
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Q: How should you signal that you are getting road head?
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A: A blank, euphoric stare into middle distance.
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Q: What do you do if you hit someone with your car?
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A: Panic, keep driving, tell yourself they’re dead, and there’s nothing you could have done about it anyway. It was an accident. You can’t go to prison. All you can do is hope that no one finds out, and from that moment on, you wake up night after night in a cold sweat, unable to shake the vision of the dead man’s face, frozen in horror in your headlights as you locked eyes in the split second before you killed him.
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Q: You just ran over a guy and now he’s fucking dead! How does it feel knowing you’re probably going to jail?
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A: Oh fuck, oh God, fuck, oh no—I didn’t mean to, oh God, no, fuck!
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Q: What sounds does a car make?
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A: “Vroom vroom vrooooooom! Honk honk! Beeeeeep beeeeep! Ah-ah, ah!/Ah-ah, ah!/We come from the land of the ice and snow/From the midnight sun where the hot springs flow/The hammer of the gods/Will drive our ships to new lands/To fight the horde, sing and cry/Valhalla, I am coming.”
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