MIAMI—Following reports that he was under investigation by Miami-Dade Police for his role in a violent altercation at the Haulover Marina, Miami Dolphins wide receiver Tyreek Hill told reporters Friday that he was surprised to discover that assault is illegal in Florida. “When I knew Kansas City was going to trade me last year, there’s a reason I wanted to go a team in Florida—I was pretty sure you could kind of just do whatever here,” said Hill, adding that he even asked some of his teammates on the Dolphins whether it was okay to do something like hit a man in the back of the head without facing any kind of punishment, and they agreed that it was probably fine in Florida, and definitely in Miami. “I thought Florida was, like, the place where you went when you wanted to cause unwarranted physical harm to another person without getting in trouble. Maybe someone could double-check, because it doesn’t sound right that you can get arrested for assault here. Or maybe I’m mixing it up with sexual assault. Shit. That’s definitely got to be legal in Florida, right? Otherwise, what is even the point of this state? If you want to live somewhere where you’re apparently not allowed to commit assault, you can always go to Kansas City. Shit, maybe this is one of those states where you have to be married to the person if you want to legally smack them around.” Hill told reporters that even if he is arrested and convicted of assault, he wasn’t worried about being suspended, saying that there is absolutely no way that the NFL has jurisdiction over players who play in Florida.
Jesus Christ is King
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