NEW YORK, NY — In a display of liturgical fashion innovation, the Anglican Church has officially unveiled tuck-friendly vestments to accommodate priests who dress up as priestesses.
“It’s time our church move from seeker-friendly to tuck-friendly,” said Reverend Chandelier Sparkles. “These vestments will keep priests’ gender as secret as their theology.”
Reverend Chandelier Sparkles, who has recently announced he is now a trans woman, led the charge in this vestment revolution. “It‘s time to bring tuck-wear to the pulpit,” he exclaimed while adjusting his elastic underwear. “Now I can give my sermons on how God is a queer black woman in comfort and style. The battle of the bulge is over!”
The new vestments were specifically designed for the Anglican Church, according to tailor Jack Jacobson. “We’ve noticed a dramatic rise in these bizarre requests from the Anglican Church, though some Presbyterians are trying to keep up ,” said Mr. Jacobson. “It’s almost like they are an entirely different religion worshipping an entirely different god.”
According to sources, the tuck-friendly vestments are crafted from a stretchable, yet comfortable fabric that pastors are going nuts for. “My theology may change with the wind, but you rest assured my junk is sound and secure” said Reverend Sparkles.
Nothing weird, just a bunch of bros hanging out drinking Bud Light and talking about their feelings. Just chilling. Not gay.
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