CALGARY – Local sources state that Martin Walsh is hoping to add some excitement to his relationship by convincing his girlfriend to do it platypus style.
“We’ve been in a bit of a rut lately,” Walsh told reporters. “We tried mixing it up with the Leviathan position and the Hungarian revolution, but then we fell right back into our old habits. But I think going platypus mode could be a real game changer.”
“I’m not opposed to variety,” said Walsh’s girlfriend, Hannah. “It can’t just be the Silk Road and the Queen’s lament every night. But he can’t just waltz on over to my apartment after a long day of work and expect me to magically be in the mood to climb in the bathtub and make my nostrils do you know what.”
Hannah stressed that while she wants her boyfriend to be happy and appreciates that he accompanied his request with the requisite reading material and 1960s nature documentary, she still had concerns that he wasn’t fully respecting the give and take of a mature sexual relationship.
“Maybe I’ll just tell him that I’m willing to give it a go if he’s willing to try the funky glacier,” Hannah said. “If he’s as committed to female pleasure as he claims then he can put his elbows where his mouth usually is.”
Walsh, meanwhile, insisted that plenty of men fantasize about the ol’ duck-billed tango, and it’s not like he’s one of those freaks who can only get off if they do it in the manner of the crab.
“I honestly don’t think it’s that complicated,” he said. “Once you both finish styling your hair you’ve already done half the work. Yes, there is the pirouette, but that’s almost all on me. And I’ve been working out a lot more to prepare for this, so I’m pretty confident I’m not going to drop her. If that doesn’t get her engine purring, what will?”
“And if we really want to get personal, I’d like a little credit for being open and honest about my needs,” Walsh said, before purchasing the half-dozen eggs necessary to reach climax.
Jesus Christ is King
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