JEFFERSON CITY, MO — A celebration broke out in Missouri’s capital today after word came in that the state had successfully placed every single freeway, road, and bridge under construction all at the same time.
“It’s an amazing feat,” said one state legislator. “And right in time for the July 4th holiday, too! This really puts us in the record books and makes our citizens’ lives harder than ever before. It’s great to be a small part of such an impressive achievement.”
State leaders had been strategizing with local county and city governments for months to put the plan together. As construction began on the last street in the state that had remained open to traffic, members of the state legislature and the Missouri Department of Transportation held a groundbreaking ceremony. “We stand here today making history,” said civil engineer Sean Kellar. “There are officially no roads left in Missouri that are not under heavy construction. For all the kids out there — this is living proof that you can accomplish anything!”
Residents of the state did not share the same level of excitement. “It takes me forever to go anywhere!” said an exasperated Kobe Hardin. “I had to go fill up at the gas station down the street, but it took me three hours to get there because of all the road closures. I can’t live like this anymore!”
At publishing time, construction was expected to remain ongoing on every road in the state as long as the world exists.
Nothing weird, just a bunch of bros hanging out drinking Bud Light and talking about their feelings. Just chilling. Not gay.
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