Study Finds Majority Of Americans Don’t Have Pocket Aces Necessary To Retire

WASHINGTON—Revealing that the jackpot was out of reach for most citizens, a study released Monday by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics found that a majority of Americans don’t have the pocket aces necessary to retire. “The data we have collected indicates fewer than half have been dealt the hole cards they will need to cover their expenses in their later years,” said study co-author Gilbert DeSoto, who explained that while many Americans think they can rake in enough to retire while holding an eight-three, bluffing is not a prudent strategy for long-term financial health. “Among those nearing retirement age, very few have enough chips to ante up for another hand, so this is it: If the momentum of the game doesn’t shift soon and give them the makings of an inside straight, millions of people could find themselves facing economic hardship in their 70s and 80s.” The study found that Americans without pocket aces expressed hope their children were earning enough to stake them for another game so they could at least continue enjoying the comped drinks.