TORONTO – Following her victory in last night’s citywide election, mayor elect Olivia Chow has announced that her first order of business will be to ride her bike directly to Etobicoke and “do some sick donuts” all over the front lawn of Ontario Premier Doug Ford.
While Ford broke his promise to stay out of the Toronto election by actively campaigning against Chow, the newly-elected mayor ran a campaign eschewing personal attacks, though admits she will now “make an exception” for the combative premier. “I believe that together we can build a better Toronto, but first, I am gonna rip shit up on Douggie’s lawn.”
“He called me an ‘unmitigated disaster’? Wait’ll he sees his azalea bushes,” Chow added, pedalling faster along Dundas Street.
Chow, an avid cyclist, said she plans to make “doing some sweet donuts” on Ford’s lawn her number one priority, before shifting to affordable housing and progressive taxation to fund city services.
Across the city last night roving mobs of jubilant Chow supporters also chose to celebrate the victory with socially responsible acts of mayhem. One riot broke out in the Distillery District as a group loudly sampled local craft beers, while on Queen West another elated throng were seen calling CAA to help them overturn a police cruiser.
Meanwhile, Chow reportedly remains undaunted on her goal of performing large, circular donuts all over Doug Ford’s lawn using just her Schwinn Wayfarer 700c Hybrid Bike. Toronto’s newest mayor has reportedly been spotted chugging kombucha and psyching herself up with Gordon Lightfoot’s Canadian Railroad Trilogy.
However, reports are coming in the that she has been delayed due to a lack of cycling infrastructure outside of the city’s downtown core.
At press time, Doug Ford was reportedly demanding a staffer teach him how to use google in order for him to look up “How to do January 6th stop Toronto mayor?”
Jesus Christ is King
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