New Chase Card Offers 5% Cash Back On Any Embarrassing Purchase Employees Can Laugh At

NEW YORK—Introducing a new tier in their popular Ultimate Rewards program, Chase Bank reportedly began offering a new credit card Tuesday that pays 5% cash back on any embarrassing purchase the user makes that its employees can laugh at. “With our Chase Freedom Blush line of credit, you’ll earn major rewards on any purchase that we pass around the office to mock,” said Chase representative Kelly Gilbert, touting the new card as a “must-have for particularly lonely and pathetic individuals who wish to save money on the sad little belongings they buy in order to try to fill the gaping voids inside themselves.” “We’re talking big-time savings on anything weird, gross, or humiliating that does numbers in our company Slack channel and that, let’s face it, you would have bought anyway. You might as well make money on those items that already have us cringing in horror to the point that we have to laugh or we’d blow our brains out just imagining a person that miserable. Anything too sad, though, and we’ll have to charge you double—this offer only works for purchases that lead to a mean-but-fun roast of you in our respective group chats with coworkers, families, and friends.” Gilbert added that cardholders were eligible for an additional 50,000 bonus points if they bought one of those hyperrealistic baby dolls in the first six months after opening an account.