Man Reflecting On Where He Went Wrong In Life To Deserve Worst-Looking Chocolate Chip Muffin At Coffee Shop

SAN FRANCISCO—Musing aloud about what he must have done for things to turn out the way they did, local man Kyle Swarz told reporters Wednesday he was reflecting on where he went wrong in life to deserve the worst-looking chocolate chip muffin at his neighborhood coffee shop. “I just wonder what I could have done differently to avoid being that guy who winds up with the smallest muffin in the display case,” said Swarz, adding that maybe it was his tone of voice when he ordered or some other symptom of his general inability to assert himself when asking for things he wants that led to his receiving the substandard baked good, which was slightly misshapen and had three chocolate chips at most. “Or could it go back even further? If I had never listened to my father and had continued to paint instead of going to business school, would I still be in this place holding a dry, lopsided chocolate chip muffin? Maybe it was moving to the West Coast, and if I’d stayed in New York, I would have become the kind of person who walks into a coffee shop, looks a barista in the eye, and walks out with a delectable treat that is everything he hoped it would be.” At press time, Swarz stated that he finally knew where everything had started to go wrong for him, and that he was certain he would start getting better chocolate chip muffins as soon as he called his ex from a decade ago to “make things right.”