Newsom One-Ups NYC By Requiring Pizza Be Baked Using Sun And Magnifying Glass

SACRAMENTO, CA — It was announced this week that New York City would be cracking down on emissions from coal and wood-burning pizza ovens. Not to be outdone, California Governor Gavin Newsom has taken restrictions even further in the Golden State by requiring all pizzas to only be baked using the sun and a magnifying glass.

“Take that, New York!” Newsom said as he announced the new mandate. “If you think you’re at the forefront of making it impossible to bake a decent pizza, wait ‘til you get a load of this. Here in California, pizzas are not allowed to be baked in any ovens of any kind. We are paving the way to the future by harnessing solar power to bake our pizzas. Californians know how to make a pizza without destroying our planet!”

As citizens of New York were outraged to hear about pizza-cooking restrictions, progressive Californians expressed admiration for the strong stance taken by their Governor. “California will do whatever it takes to hold onto our title of Most Crazy Liberal State,” said proud progressive Stan Morstadt. “People have enjoyed the luxury of delicious pizza while completely ravaging Mother Earth for far too long. Now, all I need to signal my virtue is a magnifying glass and the California sun!”

At publishing time, experts predicted the new mandate may result in an even longer time waiting for food at California restaurants. “It’ll likely take several hours to bake a single pizza,” one scientist said. “But let’s be honest, waiting forever at a California restaurant isn’t anything new.”

Nothing weird, just a bunch of bros hanging out drinking Bud Light and talking about their feelings. Just chilling. Not gay.

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