Harvard Admits First White Student

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In the wake of the 6-3 Supreme Court decision ending affirmative action, Harvard University announced Thursday that they would admit their first white student. “After nearly four centuries in existence, we are finally able to leave behind our woeful legacy of discrimination and accept our first student of Caucasian descent,” said Harvard president Lawrence Bacow, who hailed the Students for Fair Admissions v. Harvard case for allowing them to offer admission to a student who met their rigorous academic standards, but just happened to be from a Caucasoid background. “For generations, students of every racial identity have pursued their passions in these halls of learning—all racial identities except for white. Thankfully, today, that changes. The 19-year-old student who we admitted, Hamilton Whitaker, has an excellent record and impressive extracurriculars. Indeed, we believe Hamilton and other whites like him might find themselves much more at home here than they expected.” At press time, President Biden had reportedly called in the 101st Airborne Division to safely escort the white student onto Harvard’s campus.