NEW HAVEN, CT—Touting a breakthrough in the field of sabotaging family gatherings, a study released Thursday by Yale University found that LSD was highly effective at ruining a nephew’s baptism. “Of our study’s participants, an overwhelming majority found that taking LSD was quite successful in destroying the baptism ceremony of their nephew,” said lead researcher Dr. Tim Rodden, explaining that the results could have huge implications for people looking to nearly drown a priest in the baptismal font for secretly being a lizard in front of their entire extended family. “Even one tab was shown to be extremely effective at helping the subject scream at the top of their lungs that the nephew has an old man’s face and was speaking in Aramaic. With any luck, the LSD-induced mania of stripping completely naked and claiming to be Satan incarnate will finally provide a reliable avenue for people to get their brother and sister-in-law to disown them.” At press time, early evidence indicated that LSD was equally effective at ruining the baptisms of unrelated children as well.
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