Multimillion-Dollar City Beautification Project Results In 3 New Blades Of Grass

BINGHAMTON, NY—Officials and community leaders gathered for a grand unveiling Friday after a multimillion-dollar city beautification project reportedly resulted in three new blades of grass. The project, which sources confirmed got underway 13 years and three mayoral administrations ago, originally featured several expansive parks, community gardens, playgrounds, and other new constructions, but was eventually reduced to three new blades of grass being planted in an area of dirt near the river. Multiple consultant groups worked on the project over the years, according to officials with knowledge of the project, and they conducted a series of expensive focus groups with residents that resulted in the scuttling of initial plans to add more green spaces and walkable streets until the estimated $28.5 million that went into the project culminated in the three new blades of grass and a park bench. After protests from local parents groups, however, the park bench component of the project was reportedly shelved in favor of one additional streetlight on a dark street, which, following a financially draining legal battle with a local homeowners association, was shelved in favor of planting a fourth blade of grass, whose planting was then rejected by a community small-business association on the grounds that it would bring unwanted elements to the area. At press time, after declaring that the new blades of grass would lure thousands of new residents to the city, officials unveiled a commemorative plaque that someone accidentally dropped, crushing the grass.