SYRIA — A devastating terror attack was prevented today through the heroic actions of a lone CIA analyst. Jack Ryan, the operative responsible for thwarting the plot, reportedly stopped the terrorist from carrying out his attack by putting his gun in lemon jello.
“Oh, come on…you put my stuff in jello again?!” shouted Abu Aziz Al-Hawani after finding his weapon suspended in pristinely molded gelatin. “I’m tired of these childish pranks! I want you reprimanded for this!”
This latest incident was reportedly only the latest in a long history of clever practical jokes Agent Ryan has pulled while battling radical Islamic terror cells around the globe. “Jack Ryan has proven to be a highly effective counter-terrorism agent,” said Ryan’s supervisor, James Greer. “He does have the propensity to pull a lot of silly pranks on our enemies, but in my opinion, you use whatever tactics might work. I don’t care if he posts a terrorist’s resume online and gets him transferred to Alaska, or if he frustrates a potential mass murderer by convincing him he’s receiving fax messages from himself in the future. It might be stupid, but it’s saving lives.”
Each time one of Ryan’s pranks succeeds, he reportedly says nothing, opting to instead turn and look at the nearest witness and make a comical facial expression.
At publishing time, Agent Ryan was rumored to be on the verge of busting up yet another dangerous terror cell by wrapping all the equipment and furniture in their hideout with Christmas wrapping paper.
Nothing weird, just a bunch of bros hanging out drinking Bud Light and talking about their feelings. Just chilling. Not gay.
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Babylon Bee
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