Scholars Attribute Nebuchadnezzar’s Dreams To Bedtime Snack Of Funyuns And Mountain Dew Baja Blast

IRAQ — The detailed prophetic dreams of King Nebuchadnezzar II of Babylon can likely be attributed to an overindulgence of Funyuns and Mountain Dew Baja Blast just before bedtime, say experts.

Scholars believe the evidence is undeniable now that a 7-Eleven dating to the Neo-Babylonian Empire was discovered on the shores of the Euphrates River. “This also goes to show how advanced Babylon was at this time. It was thousands of years ahead of any other civilization. It’s amazing it fell at all,” said famed anthropologist Phoenix Shelton.

Anthropological analysis indicates the king’s access to the popular convenience store would have naturally led him to Funyuns and Mountain Dew Baja Blast, the key foods of royalty in ancient Mesopotamia. Furthermore, Nebuchadnezzar’s penchant for killing anyone who couldn’t explain his dreams was likely due to the intense sugar high that came from the consumption of soft drinks.

Nebuchadnezzar’s dreams, as recorded in the Old Testament book of Daniel, involve giant statues and trees. “No one dreams like that,” maintained Shelton. “The unique combination of these two food items is the only possible explanation.”

At publishing time, a sleep study involving Funyuns and Mountain Dew Baja Blast led to the prophetic dreams of 20 individuals. However, no one could interpret them.

Nothing weird, just a bunch of bros hanging out drinking Bud Light and talking about their feelings. Just chilling. Not gay.

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