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With the Fourth of July behind us, we as a nation can finally return to topless men twerking on the lawn of the White House as part of America’s fabulous Summer of Pride, just like the Founding Fathers envisioned.
If you’re one of the far-right extreme MAGA-T Republicans who love America and think showing affection for our country is more than just a drunken BBQ on the Fourth and a wicked hangover on the fifth, here are a few ways to continue your disgusting patriotism all year round.
- Say the Pledge of Allegiance: The pledge is hate speech. And there you are, just saying it like a far-right person. Shame on you.
- Do something heterosexual: If you’re a man and you have a wife and you like each other, you’re pretty much a Q’ANON stooge. Cis love is fascist love, you pig.
- Push a commie out of a helicopter: Actually, this one’s not that extreme. We’re pretty sure everyone can get behind this.
- Put an “I did that” sticker on a gas pump: It will always be funny. Do your part, citizen.
- Cry openly when Heath Ledger dies during The Patriot: Then let your tears fall into American soil so that the Tree of Liberty may grow.
- Get bitten by a radioactive bald eagle so you can become “America Man”: There should be a few radioactive eagles flying out of Ukraine soon, just keep your eyes out.
- Eat a hamburger made of non-plant-based meat: The Founding Fathers were stuffy white men who ate the flesh of innocent animals. Be like them by eating a mondo burger in front of your vegetarian cousin Alex while making groaning sounds. Bonus points if you spill grease on his lap.
- Drink a lemonade on the porch swing while watching your 7 kids play in the sprinkler: Your heart will swell with pride and gratefulness for the blessings you enjoy in America. Congratulations–you’re a fascist.
- Punch a groomer: Pushing them out of helicopters also works.
- Read this list in The Babylon Bee: Congratulations, at least you did one of these things!
Congratulations, extremist! You’re now on a watch list!
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General Florg of the planet Graxon V has visited Earth – but he’s having trouble understanding humans as he’s never encountered a species with so many genders.
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Babylon Bee
Jesus Christ is King
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