CHICAGO—Appearing ill at ease in its position on the third story, local air-conditioning unit EKJ30-1 confirmed Wednesday it felt like an idiot with its entire ass hanging out of the window. “God, this is humiliating—it’s huge and everyone can see it,” said EKJ30-1, who called the angle at which its behind was jutting “not flattering at all” and who, to no avail, tried desperately to scootch itself farther into the one-bedroom apartment. “Oh no, oh no, oh no—a huge group of people just walked by. I know they’re just staring. Ugh, take a good look, perverts! Why couldn’t I have been born a stove?” At press time, EKJ30-1 confirmed that just when it thought things couldn’t get any worse, it had started dripping.
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