Hospital Offers Free Healthcare To Anyone Who Beats 500-Milligram Morphine Challenge

LOUISVILLE, KY—Providing patients with the exciting, lucrative opportunity, Norton Hospital announced Wednesday that it would offer free healthcare to anyone who beats their 500-Milligram Morphine Challenge. “All you have to do is swallow the full bottle of opiates without dying, and all your medical bills will be taken care of,” said hospital CEO Cecil Ayers, adding that the lucky winners will not have to pay the thousands of dollars for surgeries, biopsies, lab tests, or other procedures after surviving an amount of morphine that’s more than 50 times the recommended dosage. “Participants who throw up or whose hearts stop during the challenge will be disqualified and charged for the morphine they did consume. However, if you hang on just long enough to win the grand prize, you’ll be rushed to our luxurious emergency room to have your stomach pumped at no cost to you or your insurance company.” Ayers continued that those who didn’t win the challenge would be given the consolation prize of having their obituary posted on the hospital’s “Wall of Shame.”