LOS ANGELES – Marvel fans everywhere are abstaining from all social contact, in-person and online, from the release of the latest highly-anticipated film until the start time printed on their overpriced tickets. Die-hard fans live in mortal fear of learning that the film includes some noisy, confusing battle, that the hero will almost fail at some point near the middle, and that the villain will be defeated toward the end.
Fans have been gearing up for this since the plan to make the movie was announced halfway through the making of the last one. At that time, there were violent riots over the biggest question of all: whether the future film’s eventual title would be of the format [Superhero name] [Number as needed], or [Superhero Name]:__________.
Sources who haven’t seen the film can nonetheless confirm that the hero, who has a troubled background, will be given a few relatable flaws, as well as a few unrelatable superpowers and gadgets. This will allow fans to rave about how the movie made them feel as if they too could one day climb walls or fly around or some other shit to overcome their unrelated problems with family or coworkers.
Rather than an engaging storyline or timeless writing, the movie will successfully rely on a new CGI gimmick to keep fans entranced, presumably for decades if Star Wars is any predictor of what’s to come. Though the stakes differ slightly from previous movies to give the illusion of creativity, the end result is the same, a fact which fans are trying very hard to deny they know, including to themselves. Meanwhile, producers have been equally desperate in their denial that the big-name celebrity playing the lead is in the movie at all.
External features of the film are equally predictable and include an inexplicably large budget, inexplicably large profits, and inexplicably enthusiastic chatter and reviews.
At press time, the first viewers had confirmed that although producers had tossed in a token death, the purported “twist” was so obvious that the only way to truly avoid spoilers is to just start watching at the halfway point.
Jesus Christ is King
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