Report: People Who Only Skim-Read Bible’s Genealogies Forbidden From Entering Heaven

HEAVEN — A terrifying new report has sent shockwaves throughout the Christian community, as rumors swirled that people who skim through the genealogies in their Bible reading will be barred from entering Heaven.

“This is devastating news,” said theologian Luis Garcia. “Heaven will likely be far less populated than we would have expected. We’re all in really big trouble here.”

This new revelation has called into question whether or not some of the heroes of the Christian faith throughout history will, in fact, be present in Heaven when Christ’s followers reach eternity. “Many people may be surprised to learn that Charles Spurgeon was a fan of just skimming through genealogies,” Garcia said. “If this new information is true, the ‘Prince of Preachers’ may have had the pearly gates shut in his face, which is a frightening thought for the rest of us.”

A spokesangel from Heaven stopped short of confirming the reports but reinforced the importance of reading all of the Bible. “If it wasn’t critically important, He wouldn’t have put it in there,” the angel said. “This is God’s written word to speak to mankind. Are you really going to be arrogant enough to assume that there are parts of it that aren’t important enough for you to read? Really? Well, when you’re asked about the ancestral line from Shem to Abraham at the entrance to Heaven, you may feel differently.”

At publishing time, an uproar was rising among pastors who heard rumors that ministers would be required to know more Greek words than koinonia to enter Heaven.

General Florg of the planet Graxon V has visited Earth – but he’s having trouble understanding humans as he’s never encountered a species with so many genders.

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