SAN FRANCISCO—Emphasizing that the product was simple to use and incredibly easy to order through their mobile app, telehealth brand Hims announced Thursday that it would begin offering a new dunce cap for men who can’t get hard. “Starting today, all Hims customers can log on and, at the click of a button, have one of our patented dunce caps for limp-dicked men sent right to their door,” said CEO Andrew Dudum, adding that it had never been easier for men with erectile dysfunction to be sent to a corner, sat down on a wooden stool, and laughed at by their partners while their penis lay there, flaccid and useless. “With Hims, men can be paired with a doctor and, within minutes, be publicly shamed for being a big fat ugly dope who can’t ever seem to get it up. Also, make sure to check out our other options for men with ED, including a clown nose, a slide whistle, and a large chalkboard where men can write ‘I can’t get hard’ hundreds and hundreds of times.” Dudum added that Hims had also allowed men to connect with a stern headmistress who would paddle their ass after their partner broke up with them for never once bringing them to orgasm.
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