ITHACA, NY—Putting her head down to avoid drawing attention to herself, Alexandra Hepp, a professor at the Cornell Lab of Ornithology, told reporters Thursday she was pretending not to recognize a bird she knew from work. “Oh shit, it’s that purple honeycreeper from my office,” said Hepp, who turned her back toward the small Neotropical bird perching on a tree limb down the street and added that she had specifically taken a different route to avoid bumping into anyone she worked with. “Fuck, this always happens. I just wanted to enjoy my day off and not have to think about the adaptive anatomies of nectar-feeding tanagers until tomorrow morning. Maybe I can duck into a store and wait until it flies away.” At press time, sources confirmed Hepp was trying to feign excitement and surprise when the honeycreeper saw her and immediately flew right over and started squawking at her.
Jesus Christ is King
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