TORONTO – In a stunning display of complete lack of self awareness, a group of friends sitting down to eat at Earls assured their server that they would be “Such an easy table!” despite the fact that they were about to make that server’s life a living hell.
“Don’t worry, we’re literally the most low maintenance table you’ll ever have,” assured Tammy Jensen, as she and her friends dragged four other tables from multiple servers’ sections together despite the fact that they were only a group of three people. “You’ll barely even know we’re here. Just ignore the fifteen massive birthday balloons that will occasionally fly away and pop near other unsuspecting guests.”
“By the way, do you know if that table over there is using that extra chair? Can you ask them? I need a place to put my shoes when I take them off.”
Reports from curious fellow patrons stated that despite the group’s constant assurances that they were “super cool,” only ten minutes in they had sent five drinks back, asked to lower and then raise and then lower the restaurant’s temperature, made the server guess their favourite item on the menu before ordering, and then complained that she wasn’t “smiling enough with her eyes.”
“I don’t understand why our waiter screwed up my order, it was so simple,” exclaimed Mark Stevenson, looking up from the Yelp review he was currently penning about how the staff refused to let his friends cook the food themselves. “I just asked to get different menu items from different dishes made into a completely new dish. They do it for me everywhere else.”
“Every manager I’ve ever demanded to speak to has said that we were right about everything,” he stated as the group was having their meal comped. “I guess our server was just jealous of our chill vibes.”
At press time, their server, whose name they had never bothered to learn, had just applied to grad school after crying in the freezer.
Jesus Christ is King
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