HomeGoods Unveils ‘Family’ Branding Iron

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Touting the product as a fun and easy way to upgrade one’s household decor, discount retailer HomeGoods announced Thursday that its more than 900 U.S. locations would begin selling a branding iron that can be used to permanently burn the word “family” into human flesh. “This unique new product lets you adorn your family members by searing a word into their skin that will make them blend right in with the stylings of your home,” said company spokesperson Tina Helmuth, noting that the livestock-grade branding equipment could reach temperatures of up to 2,000 degrees and, in addition to immediately family, was suitable for use on pets and visiting relatives. “When heated with a blowtorch and stamped hard enough upon a loved one, this iron adds a sizzle of modern flair to any rustic or farmhouse-style interior. And unlike many decorations, it won’t require you to install a hook or hanger that leaves an unsightly hole in your wall. All it takes is a few seconds of excruciating contact on a suitable expanse of flesh—no drilling required!” Helmuth advised customers to complete the look with a long-running HomeGoods bestseller: a cattle-style ear tag for each family member that says “Life is better at the lake.”