Stormtroopers Now Deadly Accurate After Adding Pistol Braces To All Their Blasters

CORUSCANT — Emperor Palpatine was said to be very pleased with the latest ballistics report on stormtrooper marksmanship, as the Imperial Army’s collective accuracy percentage improved dramatically after adding pistol braces to all blasters.

“Good. Gooooooooood,” the Emperor was heard saying when he was given the news. “The pitiful rebellion stands no chance now that we have implemented the use of pistol braces. Death Stars will no longer be necessary — each and every stormtrooper is now an ultimate weapon of deadly force. My control over the galaxy is now complete!”

Sources within the Rebel Alliance expressed grave concern over this new wave of Imperial deadliness. “Even though we’ve always been outnumbered and technologically outmatched, we’ve always been able to rely on the stormtroopers not being able to hit the broadside of a bantha,” said General Crix Madine in an encrypted holoprojection. “With these pistol braces being used, I’m afraid it’s only a matter of time before we get wiped out. We’re no match for pistol braces!”

Though the ragtag group of rebels has scored a surprising number of victories in various skirmishes throughout the galaxy, even its greatest heroes acknowledged the pistol braces put them at too great of a disadvantage. “Even the Force is powerless,” Jedi Luke Skywalker said solemnly. “I can lift boulders the size of a star cruiser and I’ve mastered lightsaber combat…but expecting us to go up against pistol braces on blasters is asking the impossible.”

At publishing time, though the Rebel Alliance was rumored to be scouring the galaxy in a desperate attempt to obtain pistol braces of their own, an Imperial victory was all but guaranteed after the Emperor banned the braces for civilian use.

General Florg of the planet Graxon V has visited Earth – but he’s having trouble understanding humans as he’s never encountered a species with so many genders.

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