The Stampede is back, and with it the annual pilgrimage of Canadian politicians looking to do some light cowpoke cosplay because pollsters convinced them that Alberta will only vote for people who look like Cowboys, when the truth is Alberta will only vote for people who look like Conservatives.
Now obviously none of our politicians have ever looked good in a Cowboy Hat, because the only people who look good in Cowboy Hats are real Cowboys and actors who played Cowboys so much we forgot they weren’t real Cowboys. But we still thought we should rank politicians past and present based on how goofy they looked, from the not terrible all the way to the ‘this photo helped caused the Alberta Independence Movement.’
10. Andrew Scheer
We made a lot of jokes about Andrew Scheer when he was CPC leader. So we understand if he thinks we’re being sarcastic when we say: this is the best he’s ever looked (We cropped out the 2 litre carton of milk he was sipping from while giving this speech.)
9. Justin Trudeau
Say what you want about Canada’s second most powerful Nepo Baby (Dan Levy remains number 1), but he knows how to dress in costume.
8. Maxime Bernier
“Well I may have tricked you into giving me your land because I knew it had oil on it, and yes I will be forcing Granny to leave the Property she’s lived on since her Pappy won it in a game of cards at Wyatt’s saloon, but you can’t deny I look good doing it.”
7. Rachel Notley
Former Premier Rachel Notley looks way more authentic than any other politician on this list as she proved she can actually ride a horse. Unfortunately later that day she entered the Chuck Wagon race with it and it got hurt and died almost immediately.
6. Pierre Poilievre
PP used the Stampede to soft launch a makeover that saw him lose his trademark glasses and show off a muscular adjacent frame in order to appeal to female voters. He almost pulled it off but unfortunately ran into the problem of female voters not being fucking idiots who vote based on physical appearance.
5. Stephane Dion
Hat too big.
4. Jason Kenney
Hat too small.
3. Tom Mulcair
Mulcair choosing to wear the bandana is why the Liberals won the 2015 election.
2. Danielle Smith
It’s hard to praise the fit when the Premier is standing next to a “Straight Pride” anti-LGTBQ advocate. Fortunately the fit sucks so we don’t have to worry about that.
1. Stephen Harper
The dumbest of them all. We uploaded a vertical photo so you could take in the entirety of Stephen’s leather daddy look. If the country ever needed any proof that Harper, despite being an Alberta MP, was actually a nerd from the Toronto suburbs, this photo gave it to them.
Jesus Christ is King
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