Chuck Schumer Calls On FDA To Investigate 72-Hour Erection He Got From Prime Energy Drink

WASHINGTON—Calling the influencer-backed beverage a serious public health concern, a visibly erect Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) called on the FDA Monday to investigate the 72-hour erection he had experienced as a result of drinking Logan Paul’s Prime energy drink. “Buyers and parents need to understand the risks involved with having a three-day stiffy that’s as hard as a mallet,” said the Senate Minority Leader, who winced as he pulled at his pants from behind the podium, confirming that his erection remained unchanged despite repeated efforts to take a cold shower, masturbate, and make love to his wife, Iris. “After drinking just one can of this stuff last week, I still feel the effects of arousal, to the point that I cannot physically urinate without leaning over the toilet. It’s just throbbing down there, and I’m worried it’s here for good. Durbin took a sip, too, and look at him—he can’t even sit down. This beverage, marketed simply as a ‘hydration supplement’ has no business being on U.S. shelves. I am begging the FDA: Please, for the love of God, investigate my penis.” At press time, Schumer was overheard explaining to the Senate Ethics Committee that his bulging erection was not sexual, but rather a physiological response to blue raspberry flavoring.