Heat Safety Experts Advise Americans To Seek Privilege

PHOENIX—With temperatures in the southern United States skyrocketing as high as 120 degrees Fahrenheit, safety experts on Monday advised Americans living in areas where excessive heat warnings had been issued to immediately seek privilege. “When the heat index is dangerously high, the most important thing you can do to stay healthy is to acquire enormous amounts of wealth, status, and power,” said Justin Gaines, a physician who studies heat stress and thermoregulation, adding that U.S. residents should at the bare minimum earn a six-figure salary, maintain a diverse portfolio of investments, and live in an air-conditioned mansion until the heat dome had ended. “Sadly, in these kinds of dangerous conditions, it can take only two to three hours for someone to succumb to heatstroke if they lack access to a wealthy upbringing and lucrative connections in the business, political, and financial worlds. Especially if you have very young or elderly relatives who are particularly vulnerable to extreme weather, make sure they are at least receiving passive income from some kind of living trust.” Gaines added that if Americans noticed someone experiencing cramps, hallucinations, or other symptoms of heat-related illness, the best thing to do was to exert one’s privilege by spitting on them and walking away.