9 Absolute MUSTS To Look For In A New Church

Brought to you by: Revelation Media

In an ideal world, every church would be perfect and you’d stay there your whole life. Unfortunately, there are times when you feel led to find a new church to attend. But how do you know which church should be your new place of worship?

The Babylon Bee is here with a helpful list of absolute must-haves when you’re searching for a new church.

1. Shiatsu Massage chairs: You’re there to see a show, right? It only makes sense for there to be legit, theater-style seating.
2. La Croix baptismal: What, you expect people to be baptized in tepid well water? Please.
3. Pastor who wears a North Face vest: Nothing adds legitimacy to a preacher like the trendiest wardrobe.
4. At least 75% of the worship team MUST be wearing beanies: Real musicians wear beanies — even in the summer.
5. Complementary Enneagram counselors on-call 24/7: Forget the timeless truths of scripture, your Enneagram will teach you everything you need to know about yourself and your purpose.
6. Fair-trade coffee poured by tattooed baristas: None of that instant Folger’s crystals garbage here.
7. Annual “At the Movies” sermon series: Gotta make the Word of God entertaining at least a few weeks out of the year.
8. No services on Christmas weekend: Who wants to think about Jesus on Christmas anyway?
9. Gluten-free, non-GMO communion crackers: Gluten may have been ok for Jesus and His disciples, but not you.

It’s not an exhaustive list, but that should put you on the right path toward finding a real church. Most importantly, make sure they don’t talk about sin, God’s wrath, or any of that other depressing stuff.

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