Jesus' Coming Back

9 Absolute MUSTS To Look For In A New Church

Brought to you by: Revelation Media

In an ideal world, every church would be perfect and you’d stay there your whole life. Unfortunately, there are times when you feel led to find a new church to attend. But how do you know which church should be your new place of worship?

The Babylon Bee is here with a helpful list of absolute must-haves when you’re searching for a new church.

  1. Shiatsu Massage chairs: You’re there to see a show, right? It only makes sense for there to be legit, theater-style seating.
  2. La Croix baptismal: What, you expect people to be baptized in tepid well water? Please.
  3. Pastor who wears a North Face vest: Nothing adds legitimacy to a preacher like the trendiest wardrobe.
  4. At least 75% of the worship team MUST be wearing beanies: Real musicians wear beanies — even in the summer.
  5. Complementary Enneagram counselors on-call 24/7: Forget the timeless truths of scripture, your Enneagram will teach you everything you need to know about yourself and your purpose.
  6. Fair-trade coffee poured by tattooed baristas: None of that instant Folger’s crystals garbage here.
  7. Annual “At the Movies” sermon series: Gotta make the Word of God entertaining at least a few weeks out of the year.
  8. No services on Christmas weekend: Who wants to think about Jesus on Christmas anyway?
  9. Gluten-free, non-GMO communion crackers: Gluten may have been ok for Jesus and His disciples, but not you.

It’s not an exhaustive list, but that should put you on the right path toward finding a real church. Most importantly, make sure they don’t talk about sin, God’s wrath, or any of that other depressing stuff.


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Today we live in a culture that looks for answers in all the wrong places, but we can find hope in how Christ worked through what has become known as the Jesus Movement. Can America see another revival of the same kind?

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General Florg of the planet Graxon V has visited Earth – but he’s having trouble understanding humans as he’s never encountered a species with so many genders.


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