Scholars Believe Explosive Growth Of The Early Church Was Due To Christians Being Allowed To Eat Bacon

JERUSALEM — Citing newly uncovered writings from Greece, Rome, and Jerusalem, biblical scholars are now saying the shockingly rapid growth of the early church can be attributed to the fact that Christians were allowed to eat bacon.

“Save yourselves from this crooked generation! Believe in Jesus, the Messiah! And also, I had a dream last week and we can totally eat bacon now!” said Peter in one of his recently discovered early sermons given in a Jewish synagogue. “Seriously–have you people tried this stuff? It’s amazing! All the bacon you can eat! God told me it’s not unclean anymore! Wooo hooooo!”

The manuscript then goes on to describe Peter whipping out a cast iron skillet and frying up strips of bacon before the assembly, causing thousands of souls to be added to the church in just one day.

“Peter’s proclamation was initially met with strong opposition from the Pharisees, but they eventually changed their minds and decided to follow The Way after smelling the stips of applewood-smoked pork belly Peter was frying,” said church historian Dr. David Ben Hamen. “We can’t say that we blame them.”

Sources say Pharisee interest tapered off, however, after Christians started getting thrown to the lions.

General Florg of the planet Graxon V has visited Earth – but he’s having trouble understanding humans as he’s never encountered a species with so many genders.

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