NIAGARA, ON – Marineland Canada is proud to announce that it will host “Chuck A Toaster In There” Day, where guests are invited to murder animals at rates normally reserved for the park itself.
“I got the idea while I was scraping another manatee from the bottom of its lukewarm, chlorine, tank,” shared Marineland Spokesperson Eli Smith. “As I was wrestling with the bloated corpse of this once-majestic sea creature, it hit me – why should the employees have all the fun?!”
On August 1st, guests are invited to pack their extension cords and chuck electric toasters into the park’s iconic aquatic tanks, frying belugas to stingrays to any animals found in the to-be-renamed “Fish-and-Chip Cove”.
Guests can bring their own toasters or pay to rent using the park’s “buck a chuck” program, which comes with a free set of bottle rings.
“I love Marineland because it’s an accessible way to experience the wonders of the natural world”, gushed park guest Rodney Blake as he snapped photos of a dead-eyed penguin dissociating in its asphalt cage.
“And now, knowing I get to watch the life drain from the eyes of a flailing polar bear cub as he becomes a one-pot fricassée? I haven’t had this much fun since Elon Musk killed that whole family of monkeys!”
Marineland plans to offer other family-friendly activities like: freshwater snail-salting, hermit crab rides, and a live seafood boil – as long as they can source enough dolphin-sized elastic bands.
“We hope that this event is just the first of many”, continued Smith. “Soon, any guest who gets splashed at a live show will get to sucker-punch a baby seal.”
“Ultimately, though, our goal is education. We want to inspire our guests to treat animals with the same love and care as Marineland Canada. After all – those fuckers have it coming.”
For any animal-lovers who can’t make the event, Marineland recommends visiting the great outdoors where guests can have a similar experience by witnessing the catastrophic effects of man-made climate change, instead.
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