Transportation Department Begins Issuing Dementia Placards Allowing Cars To Drive On Wrong Side Of Highway

SPRINGFIELD, IL—In an effort to accommodate drivers with declining cognitive function, the Illinois Department of Transportation began issuing dementia placards Thursday that would allow holders to drive on the wrong side of the highway. “Starting today, drivers suffering from dementia in the state of Illinois can apply for a special permit that will authorize them to drive anywhere they want and at any speed they want, as long as the placard is displayed clearly on the rearview mirror,” said Transportation Secretary Omer Osman, who emphasized that only dementia placard holders would be permitted to careen wildly into oncoming traffic. “This communicates to police officers that it’s okay that you’re driving straight down the median of a two-lane highway at 112 miles per hour—or 12 miles per hour—because you are 89 years old. When you see one of these placards, please be patient with the driver, who may T-bone your vehicle after they mistake the stop sign for their grandson and begin telling the stop sign how handsome it would be if it just shaved and put on a tie every now and then.” At press time, Osman had reportedly been launched 30 feet through the air after a 95-year-old dementia permit holder crashed through the press conference.