4-Second Jumbotron Appearance Longest Anyone Will Ever Pay Attention To Area Man In Entire Life

NEW YORK—Local man Matt Waggoner reportedly achieved a major personal milestone late Friday afternoon after a four-second appearance on a stadium Jumbotron marked the longest period anyone will pay attention to him in his entire life. Sources confirmed that the brief recognition the 36-year-old sales associate received from the approximately 39,500 fans scattered around the stadium represents a more significant span of undivided attention than any parent, sibling, significant other, friend, coworker, or teacher has given Waggoner or ever will give him. Indeed, prior to this Jumbotron appearance, reports confirmed the previous lengthiest duration of anyone being aware of Waggoner’s existence were the 3.4 seconds in which his birthing doctor confirmed that he was alive, a feat that will only be repeated when he collapses from a heart attack decades from now in a fruit aisle and draws attention from concerned shoppers at the age of 71. At press time, critics were reportedly already disputing Waggoner’s achievement, given that he spent the majority of the four-second period unaware of being on the screen, only smiling at the camera like a dumbass a split second before it cut away.