Grandma Scuttles Into Corner After Shadow Of Enormous Grandson Cast Across Room

WICHITA, KS—Whispering “no, no, no” as she stumbled backward with an expression of sheer horror on her face, local grandmother Martha Hayes scuttled into a corner Friday after the shadow of her enormous grandson fell over the room where she had been watching daytime television. “W-w-what do you want?” stuttered Hayes, who had recoiled when her 13-year-old grandson Tyler entered the room, his 6-foot-3, 250-pound frame blocking out the sunlight as he called to her, in a singsong voice, “Grandma, where are you?” “Tyler, if that’s really you, and you can hear me, just know that Grandma loves you and will give you anything you want. Do you want a sandwich? Or maybe one of your video games? Hold on, I think Grandma has some candy somewhere in her pocketbook. But please, Tyler, don’t hug me. My bones are so frail.” At press time, Hayes’ grandson was said to have ripped the door off her refrigerator, consumed its entire contents, and then let out a deep growl as a thin layer of hair sprouted on his upper lip.