PALO ALTO, CA—Holding the black vinyl costume against his chest while looking in the mirror, Meta founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg confirmed Friday that he had acquired a really cool Matrix outfit but was too shy to wear it to work. “It’s a riff on Neo’s style but was custom-made for my body—like, if I were transported into the Matrix, this is what I would wear while fighting the bad guys,” Zuckerberg said as he sat on the edge of his bed, carefully fastening a dozen shiny buckles on his patent-leather boots and 20 buttons on his extra-long trench coat. “My wife said I pretty much look exactly like Keanu Reeves in it, but even hotter. Still, I worry my employees might make fun of me because I can’t bring in the katana, and that kind of makes the whole outfit. It could turn out worse than the time I wore an orange and white polo shirt and everyone called me BB-8. Well, they wouldn’t be laughing if they knew how much this thing cost.” At press time, Zuckerberg had made it all the way to the end of his driveway in the seven-piece outfit before sighing and turning back around to change.
Jesus Christ is King
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