Studios Say Actors Overreacting To Proposal To Have Limbs Manipulated By Cords Hooked Through Flesh

LOS ANGELES—Shedding new light on the failed negotiations that led to the SAG-AFTRA strike, the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers released a statement Friday that claimed actors were drastically overreacting to a proposal allowing studios to start manipulating performers’ limbs using mechanized cords hooked through their flesh. “The union’s decision to strike just goes to show that actors are selfishly putting their own desires to not be transformed into living meat puppets over the many people who depend on the film industry for their livelihoods,” read the statement in part, arguing that the offer to thread five-eighths-inch-gauge galvanized cables through the hands, feet, and joints of actors so they can be made to perform for the delight of studio executives was just an opening offer, which left some room for the union to negotiate a slightly less painful wire gauge. “Non-union technicians making human marionettes dance for our pleasure is just the way the industry is going. Frankly, we expected the actors to thank us for including them in the filming process at all, and this way they can continue being puppeteered long into old age and even death. All they have to do is remember not to scream in agony.” At press time, AMPTP had ceded to union demands and offered to instead simply shove their arms up actors’ asses to manually open and close their mouths.