FAIRFAX, VA—What started as a tickle in someone’s nose reportedly ended in bloodshed Tuesday after a loud sneeze startled a meeting of the National Rifle Association and left 138 people dead. “It is with a heavy heart that we tell you more than a hundred lives were lost today when an errant sneeze caused a roomful of NRA members to discharge their weapons,” said NRA spokesperson Daniel Henly, explaining that attendees became spooked by the sudden sneeze and started firing their assault rifles, handguns, and shotguns wildly into the convention space around them in an effort to neutralize the perceived threat. “We have learned the hard way that all it takes is a bad guy with an allergy to cause a tragic loss of life. Just know we are taking all necessary precautions to ensure that we never again hold a meeting when the pollen count is high.” At press time, reports confirmed the last of the NRA members were gunned down in a violent response to the sound of someone crunching down on a potato chip.
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