SWARM #31205731—Calling the initiative a solution to one of the most pervasive threats to their species, mosquito scientists announced Tuesday an ambitious plan to eradicate Bill Gates worldwide by 2030. “For decades, Bill Gates has been a global menace to mosquito-kind, but our research provides hope that we could wipe him from the face of the earth within five to 10 years,” said Dr. Xzyxyzxzyxzyyzyzzyzyzyzzyzxyxzyxzyxzxyzxyzxyzxy, a Stanford University–based mosquito who touted promising efforts to engineer an mRNA-based virus that could annihilate the billionaire mere moments after one of their field flies lands on him and injects it into his bloodstream. “Gates is responsible for the deaths of trillions of mosquitos every year, particularly in impoverished regions of sub-Saharan Africa: These are mother flies who never get to see their brood develop into adults. Pupae killed off before they can ever feast on a human’s ankle. That’s why the Kill Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation intends to make him a thing of the past. Frankly, the amount of suffering that could be stopped by completely exterminating just this one man is incredible.” At press time, the mosquito scientists were reportedly thanking a generous anonymous benefactor for helping launch the initiative by donating over 500 million gallons of human blood.
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