OREM, UT—Following widespread reports that he awkwardly inserted his self-defense training into a conversation on an entirely different subject, area man Owen Jacobs, who is taking a martial arts class, confirmed Wednesday that he wanted to show you something. “Okay, make a fist like you’re going to punch me, then hold really still and watch what happens when I do this,” Jacob said as he dropped into a crouch, telling you not to worry because he was only going to do it at half speed. “You don’t have anything sharp in your pockets, right? Now, as you’ll see, the Shanghai death strike doesn’t even really hurt. What it does is put your opponent in a position where you can break their arms. You’ll be completely safe, though.” At press time, sources reported that Jacobs had accidentally snapped off your head.
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