ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—In an effort to make the historically white sandwich spread more inclusive, Hellmann’s introduced a new line of mayonnaises Wednesday that has been designed to match every skin tone. “If you eat a big sloppy sandwich for lunch and wind up with huge globs of mayo on your face, you deserve to have it be a condiment that matches the color of your skin,” said company spokesperson Diana Varney, who acknowledged that for too long mayonnaise had been marketed with only white customers in mind. “That’s why Hellmann’s now comes in 50 shades that range from porcelain to espresso, allowing you to find the mayo that’s a perfect match for your skin. We want diners of color to be able to share in the privilege of walking around with mayonnaise smeared all over their mouths, noses, cheeks, and foreheads—without having to give it a second thought.” At press time, Hellmann’s was reportedly faced with boycotts from consumers who claimed their way of life was under threat and accused the company of diluting the racial purity of mayonnaise.
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