How To Stay Safe In Extreme Heat

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Much of the U.S. remains in the grips of a record heat wave. Here are some handy tips to help you stay cool and safe in this dangerously hot summer weather.

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Purchase a Celsius thermometer to enjoy summer temperatures that rarely exceed 35 degrees.

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Grow a coat of dense fur. While this may sound far-fetched, the fur will actually insulate your skin and protect it from the heat.

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The yellow face, it burns us. Stay in your dank cave and guard your precious.

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Seal all doors and windows, then flood your home with refreshing Lipton iced tea.

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Stephen King’s The Tommyknockers will chill you to the very bone.

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If you leave pets in the car with the windows rolled up, be sure to stop by the parking lot every 30 minutes or so to baste them.

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Remember: Heat rises. Fall into a deep well.

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Put out any fires in your home to reduce heat.

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Under no circumstances should you pay heed to emergency requests from power companies to limit air conditioner use. Run your air conditioner at full blast until you brown out the entire region.

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Keep your dentures, hip brace, diapers, and wig in the freezer when not in use.

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Heat is a manifestation of infrared radiation, the low-frequency part of the electromagnetic spectrum that is emitted by aliens. To prevent exposure to these Venusian mind-control waves, wrap your head in tinfoil.

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Keep cool with delicious Frosty Fritz-brand frozen ice cream treats.

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If possible, cause the sun to collapse into a singularity, or “black hole.”

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Avoid “hot” programming like Cinemax After Dark.

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How To Stay Safe In Extreme Heat

Purchase a Celsius thermometer to enjoy summer temperatures that rarely exceed 35 degrees.

Purchase a Celsius thermometer to enjoy summer temperatures that rarely exceed 35 degrees.

Grow a coat of dense fur. While this may sound far-fetched, the fur will actually insulate your skin and protect it from the heat.

Grow a coat of dense fur. While this may sound far-fetched, the fur will actually insulate your skin and protect it from the heat.

The yellow face, it burns us. Stay in your dank cave and guard your precious.

The yellow face, it burns us. Stay in your dank cave and guard your precious.

Seal all doors and windows, then flood your home with refreshing Lipton iced tea.

Seal all doors and windows, then flood your home with refreshing Lipton iced tea.

Stephen King’s The Tommyknockers will chill you to the very bone.

Stephen King’s The Tommyknockers will chill you to the very bone.

If you leave pets in the car with the windows rolled up, be sure to stop by the parking lot every 30 minutes or so to baste them.

If you leave pets in the car with the windows rolled up, be sure to stop by the parking lot every 30 minutes or so to baste them.

Remember: Heat rises. Fall into a deep well.

Remember: Heat rises. Fall into a deep well.

Put out any fires in your home to reduce heat.

Put out any fires in your home to reduce heat.

Under no circumstances should you pay heed to emergency requests from power companies to limit air conditioner use. Run your air conditioner at full blast until you brown out the entire region.

Under no circumstances should you pay heed to emergency requests from power companies to limit air conditioner use. Run your air conditioner at full blast until you brown out the entire region.

Keep your dentures, hip brace, diapers, and wig in the freezer when not in use.

Keep your dentures, hip brace, diapers, and wig in the freezer when not in use.

Heat is a manifestation of infrared radiation, the low-frequency part of the electromagnetic spectrum that is emitted by aliens. To prevent exposure to these Venusian mind-control waves, wrap your head in tinfoil.

Heat is a manifestation of infrared radiation, the low-frequency part of the electromagnetic spectrum that is emitted by aliens. To prevent exposure to these Venusian mind-control waves, wrap your head in tinfoil.

Keep cool with delicious Frosty Fritz-brand frozen ice cream treats.

Keep cool with delicious Frosty Fritz-brand frozen ice cream treats.

If possible, cause the sun to collapse into a singularity, or “black hole.”

If possible, cause the sun to collapse into a singularity, or “black hole.”

Avoid “hot” programming like Cinemax After Dark.

Avoid “hot” programming like Cinemax After Dark.

Lose some weight, you goddamn walrus.

Lose some weight, you goddamn walrus.

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How To Stay Safe In Extreme Heat

Purchase a Celsius thermometer to enjoy summer temperatures that rarely exceed 35 degrees.

Purchase a Celsius thermometer to enjoy summer temperatures that rarely exceed 35 degrees.

Grow a coat of dense fur. While this may sound far-fetched, the fur will actually insulate your skin and protect it from the heat.

Grow a coat of dense fur. While this may sound far-fetched, the fur will actually insulate your skin and protect it from the heat.

The yellow face, it burns us. Stay in your dank cave and guard your precious.

The yellow face, it burns us. Stay in your dank cave and guard your precious.

Seal all doors and windows, then flood your home with refreshing Lipton iced tea.

Seal all doors and windows, then flood your home with refreshing Lipton iced tea.

Stephen King’s The Tommyknockers will chill you to the very bone.

Stephen King’s The Tommyknockers will chill you to the very bone.

If you leave pets in the car with the windows rolled up, be sure to stop by the parking lot every 30 minutes or so to baste them.

If you leave pets in the car with the windows rolled up, be sure to stop by the parking lot every 30 minutes or so to baste them.

Remember: Heat rises. Fall into a deep well.

Remember: Heat rises. Fall into a deep well.

Put out any fires in your home to reduce heat.

Put out any fires in your home to reduce heat.

Under no circumstances should you pay heed to emergency requests from power companies to limit air conditioner use. Run your air conditioner at full blast until you brown out the entire region.

Under no circumstances should you pay heed to emergency requests from power companies to limit air conditioner use. Run your air conditioner at full blast until you brown out the entire region.

Keep your dentures, hip brace, diapers, and wig in the freezer when not in use.

Keep your dentures, hip brace, diapers, and wig in the freezer when not in use.

Heat is a manifestation of infrared radiation, the low-frequency part of the electromagnetic spectrum that is emitted by aliens. To prevent exposure to these Venusian mind-control waves, wrap your head in tinfoil.

Heat is a manifestation of infrared radiation, the low-frequency part of the electromagnetic spectrum that is emitted by aliens. To prevent exposure to these Venusian mind-control waves, wrap your head in tinfoil.

Keep cool with delicious Frosty Fritz-brand frozen ice cream treats.

Keep cool with delicious Frosty Fritz-brand frozen ice cream treats.

If possible, cause the sun to collapse into a singularity, or “black hole.”

If possible, cause the sun to collapse into a singularity, or “black hole.”

Avoid “hot” programming like Cinemax After Dark.

Avoid “hot” programming like Cinemax After Dark.

Lose some weight, you goddamn walrus.

Lose some weight, you goddamn walrus.

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