Concerned Friends Have Long-Overdue Conversation With Alcoholic About Buying Next Round

DETROIT—Gathering around the inebriated 37-year-old with plans for a frank but necessary talk, concerned friends at Temple Bar reportedly had a long-overdue conversation with alcoholic acquaintance Jason Peck on Monday about buying the next round. “We’ve been talking, Jason, and we need to address the elephant in the room: Our glasses are empty, and you’re the only person who hasn’t grabbed a round,” said high school friend Karyn Fischer, who joined with the alcoholic’s coworkers, cousins, and other drinking buddies as they all took turns describing their sincere concerns that their buzzes could start wearing off if Peck didn’t get the bartender’s attention soon. “I feel like we tell you what we’re drinking, again and again, and you just pretend like you don’t hear us. Is any of this getting through to you? It’s not like we’re trying to hurt you by asking for a dozen kamikazes for the whole group. We all just want to get shitfaced.” Agreeing to make amends for the harms he’d caused, a visibly emotional Peck admitted that the lack of drinks was a serious problem and that he would need to make a concerted effort to turn their night around.